What didn’t destroy me, made me stronger. For whatever differences or agreement I might have with the views of Friedrich Nietzsche, that particular thought has motivated me in life. After these last several months battling cancer it has certainly solidified its place as part of my credo. It has been my experience that when you are faced with a difficult situation in life you have two choices – you can give up or learn from it. And after making either of those choices you do something better.
Before going on I have to share the exciting news – the report generated from my last PET/CT scan declared that I have “no evidence of disease.” I found this out this last Wednesday and, the following day being appropriately Thanksgiving, it took me until today to recover from the amazing food and family gathering and get this news on the blog. Most everyone seems to have found out before I had a chance to tell you anyhow – good news travels fast!
As I began to think about this blog entry I spent a great deal of time thinking about the delay from the last time I wrote. On several occasions now I have run into one person or another who has asked when my next blog would be or that I needed to give an update. And I would acknowledge that person and remind myself that I needed to get it done. But it took until now.
Initially the delay was for the same reason there was a delay after each time I got out of the hospital – plain old just not feeling right. And the final cycle was the worst in some ways and so the delay was that much longer. That time passed, or at least got better to the degree that I could have written. Yet, still, it just was not “there.” Not a loss for words so much as a lack of desire to type them.
And it took until now for me to figure out the ‘why’ behind that. The why is/was because I had come to a milestone in a difficult journey and found that it was not really something to celebrate. And after all the incredible support I have received, after all that I had been through, after what those around me had to go through – I wanted to say “We did it!”
But all that I could see was that I had completed eight rounds of chemotherapy which may or may not have gained anything – that I (we) had simply arrived at a place where we could get off this train for a minute to stretch our legs and breathe some clean air before getting back on board to continue this trip. The track stretches far out behind us but it also stretches far out ahead of us, disappearing into the horizon as the sun sets and we rolled into another night.
That night was the period between my last blog and my return to regular duty as a State Trooper on November 16th. It has been a time of recovery and really nothing to report because I had just been rolling through the darkness.
The sunrise was Sunday, November 16th. On that day I went back to work and could once again see the lay of the land and feel good knowing where I stood and the direction I was heading. Getting back to work was incredible. I won’t rehash the point I have already made in previous blog entries other than to say that I truly love what I do.
My first day back started with the discovery and arrest of an intoxicated driver within ten minutes of leaving my office. That set the tone for my day and I had a great day doing what I do. With almost two hours left in my shift, Kimberly called me to say (mostly in jest) that I needed to promise to not go looking for trouble. I laughed and said, ‘Of course I won’t.’
Twenty-five minutes later it was me that called Kimberly prefacing our conversation with the dreaded ‘I’m alright but…’ as I explained that I was calling from the back of the ambulance that was transporting me to the emergency room of one of our local hospitals so that they could have a good look at my dislocated knee.
One of the remembrances of my time at the Colorado State Patrol Academy is a phrase that started an explanation of what happened. That phrase was “So there I was…” So there I was, thinking I would pull over this car that had a minor violation – displaying expiration stickers that did not match motor vehicle records. Next thing I know we are off to the races and my minor traffic violator has decided to add a string of felonies to their list of things they had done.
The vehicle pursuit ended with what we in the Colorado State Patrol call a Tactical Vehicle Intervention. As my felon’s car finished its spin, the driver decided they were not done yet and we were off on a foot pursuit. During that foot pursuit my knee decided it did not want to continue on this particular chase and I quickly found myself on the asphalt.
The frustration on my part is hard to put to words. I wanted to blame the chemotherapy – there is no known connection according to each of the experts I have asked. I do not have an answer other than to say that I am almost 40 and although I was working out and thought I had prepared for my return to regular duty I possibly had not done enough.
What I really am unhappy about is the stress and difficulty this places on my beloved Kimberly. After eight months of my cancer treatment, I return to work for not even a full day and now she is faced with my surgery this Thursday and up to six months of recovery afterward. If there is an award out there for my poor Wife… send it now because she has gone well beyond earning it.
I will have more soon. I am trying to limit the length of my blog entries. However, the silence is now broken. I am planning on an entry a week.
